I Thought It Would Be Easier

This is something I just wanted to say but I am just getting around to putting it down. Bear with me and then we will move on

Jon's visitation was on Friday, May 20, 2011. I dreaded going. I knew that actually seeing Jon was going to tear us apart. It was the first time we had seen him since he had passed away. This was when the finality of his death would be brought home.

And just as I had suspected, it was heart wrenching. But when we left, we all seemed to have a better grip on things. I noticed a few more smiles and a laugh or two. I was thinking, the purpose of the visitation is to get that first initial shock of seeing your loved one gone. That would make the actual funeral a bit easier to take.

I was so wrong. It hurt so bad. I do not handle seeing people I care for suffer. The closer they are to me, the more I hurt for them. There are not many people I am closer to than Tracie and Alan. Finding a son dead is one of the worst things that can happen to a father. I tried not to look at Alan during the service. A cowardly thing I know. But I could not help myself, I had to know how he was doing. And every time I did, it hurt.

Back in November of 1991, Alan and I when on an expedition to Guadalupe Mountain National Park out in west Texas. He had gotten too deep into work and needed a break. So I put together this trip to GMNP. One day, stretched out on a stone bench near Smith Creek, he said, " I really needed this." During the service I kept drifting back to that day thinking that if I could take him back to that bench, I could take him back to the peace he enjoyed that day.

We got through it all and shuffled back into the world. I guess the slow process of healing can begin now. But Saturday was not as easy as I thought it was going to be.